1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,560 I did a little bit of tweeting yesterday, as one does, 2 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:05,940 and uh I was talking a bit about my, uh, 3 00:00:05,940 --> 00:00:08,420 anxiety and depression. 4 00:00:08,420 --> 00:00:10,360 Which are things that I have. 5 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,040 Now you know that. 6 00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:14,320 It's been a long road for me figuring out, kind of, 7 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,400 what on earth has been going on with my brain. 8 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:19,220 I've had anxiety I think all my life, 9 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:23,660 and depression started when I was around 16, I wanna say. 10 00:00:23,660 --> 00:00:25,380 Which, coincidentally is when I started YouTube. 11 00:00:25,380 --> 00:00:28,000 Don't know if those two things are connected but... pretty sure they are. 12 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,680 And for a long time I sort of felt like those were just things that I was, 13 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,860 like I was just an anxious person, 14 00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:36,100 I was just a bit of a depressed person sometimes. 15 00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:39,520 But I also didn't really feel comfortable kind of, um, 16 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,620 admitting that I had any real problems, you know? 17 00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:43,940 I honestly just thought I was being, you know, 18 00:00:43,940 --> 00:00:45,920 a bit whiney, you know, I thought, 19 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,860 it's not that I'm depressed, I'm just lazy. 20 00:00:47,860 --> 00:00:50,240 It's not that I'm... you know, anxious I'm... 21 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:53,180 I'm just a bit scared, that's the way I am, I need to, you know... 22 00:00:53,180 --> 00:00:54,960 man up and- and deal with it. 23 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:56,380 Part of the reason I was sort of, 24 00:00:56,380 --> 00:01:00,220 nervous to talk about this topic as well is because 25 00:01:00,220 --> 00:01:03,360 there is, a kind of, a certain amount of 26 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,380 bumming out that you're allowed to do on YouTube it feels like. 27 00:01:06,380 --> 00:01:11,360 It's OK to have problems in videos so long as you can 28 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,579 find a way to say at the end that you, you know, 29 00:01:14,579 --> 00:01:17,119 you're getting through, you know, you gotta find the upside. 30 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,800 In the first tweet that I posted with anxiety at least, 31 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,120 I don't know, there way a way I could kinda like make it like a 32 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:23,960 fun, like, relatable type of thing... 33 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,600 it just feels like the sort of thing you need to do 34 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,520 which shouldn't be the way that it is but that was my feeling initially. 35 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:32,540 Whereas with depression... it's just not fun to go through that at all. 36 00:01:32,540 --> 00:01:35,480 There's no way to share that and be like... 37 00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:38,160 but we're getting through, guys, and everything's gunna be fine. 38 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:40,980 You just feel like shit, and... 39 00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:43,820 then you get through eventually, but... 40 00:01:43,820 --> 00:01:46,880 that's not the kind of thing that people wanna hear a lot of the time, I don't think. 41 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:50,960 It has only been recently that I've been like, formally diagnosed with these. 42 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,160 And to be honest the first time I went to see a doctor about it 43 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:54,900 I kind of got, like, brushed off. 44 00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:57,140 He was like, eh, this probably isn't a bit deal so... 45 00:01:57,140 --> 00:01:59,540 maybe go and see a therapist if you can but, I dunno. 46 00:01:59,540 --> 00:02:03,300 And that didn't really feel right to me, so I went to a different doctor and, uh, 47 00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:06,180 she formally diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. 48 00:02:06,180 --> 00:02:08,520 And I'm on medication for it as well now. 49 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:13,920 Personally, I don't feel like I could get by if I was just taking medication. 50 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,320 I also see a therapist. 51 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:18,320 I also try and do things that I know will make me feel better. 52 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:22,480 But it's, you know, it's a case of whatever works for you. I don't feel like I would ever- 53 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:26,800 like it's images like this one that you see and you're just like, well, come on! 54 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:34,300 Yes, like, sometimes for me going out on a walk in the nature acts as an anti-depressant, sure! 55 00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:39,220 It doesn't always work like that. But I also need to take medication to reach a certain baseline. 56 00:02:39,220 --> 00:02:41,200 But that's just me personally... whatever. 57 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:45,360 The one thing that medication really did help me realise though 58 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,980 was that it was an illness. 59 00:02:47,980 --> 00:02:53,480 It was a very kind of physical way of being like, you are taking a pill for an issue that you have. 60 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,860 So it's not a part of you. And separating those two things, 61 00:02:56,860 --> 00:03:00,340 me from the illness, was very important for me personally. 62 00:03:00,340 --> 00:03:03,340 When I posted the tweets initially I think the thing that I 63 00:03:03,340 --> 00:03:06,040 thought I was doing was letting other people know... 64 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:11,020 hey, this is a problem that I have, so if you have it too we can go through this together. 65 00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:13,940 I thought that I was doing it to try and like help other people. 66 00:03:13,940 --> 00:03:18,000 But what actually happened was that I just got a really big outpouring 67 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:22,640 of support from people on twitter that, um, I kind of haven't experienced in a while. 68 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:25,220 And, um, it genuinely made me feel better. 69 00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:31,140 I think part of this is just wanting to really try and be as honest and authentic as I can. 70 00:03:31,140 --> 00:03:33,620 I still kind of really believe that that's important, 71 00:03:33,620 --> 00:03:38,140 especially kind of on YouTube these days where I feel like a lot of people 72 00:03:38,140 --> 00:03:42,420 do have this weird kind of like manufactured authenticity. 73 00:03:42,420 --> 00:03:46,760 Like it's like a phoney version of feeling like you're connecting with someone. 74 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:50,080 And I don't like that. I kind of want to rail against that. 75 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,940 Even if it does mean I bum people out, I just really wanna be like... 76 00:03:53,940 --> 00:03:56,000 this is real. This is who I am. 77 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,700 Anyway, I'm in Toronto. That's what this is. I'm in an Airbnb right now. 78 00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:04,680 Last time I was here I actually, uh, had some real problems with my anxiety. 79 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,980 I remember once, I- all I had to do was go out and get lunch, 80 00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:13,160 and it took me like a good hour of, like, sitting and like hyperventilating. 81 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:17,480 What are all of the thing that could possibly go wrong if I go out and get some lunch? 82 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:19,600 If I go to a resturant I haven't been to before? 83 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,460 It's like, yeah, rationally it doesn't make any sense. 84 00:04:21,460 --> 00:04:24,740 But, for me at the time, it was, like, genuinely terrifying. 85 00:04:24,740 --> 00:04:28,240 And I was worried about that happening again, but 86 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,500 I have definitely found that I am improving. 87 00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:34,860 I've been out multiple times while I've been here to get lunch. 88 00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:36,860 Although it has been nerve-racking, 89 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,760 it has not been as bad as it has been the last time I was here. 90 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,620 That's maybe the positive I can end this on to make you feel like, 91 00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:45,040 "Eh! Everything's going to be alright!" 92 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,100 I hope it will be, but um, you know we'll- we'll see. 93 00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:49,180 I'm just doing my best. 94 00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:50,060 And, uh, yeah. 95 00:04:50,060 --> 00:04:54,280 If you're going through similar things as well, I feel ya. I really do. 96 00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:58,160 And yeah, sorry that this was a rambly mess, but I couldn't really... 97 00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,860 this felt like the right way to do it. 98 00:04:59,860 --> 00:05:02,760 Hope you have a great day, uh and 99 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,500 I'll see you in the next one of these, whenever that might be. 100 00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:06,720 Who know these days, eh? 101 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,200 Thanks for watching. Bye, guys.